GOOD CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS GONE BAD

The following 18 numbered items
are ACTUAL announcements
from ACTUAL church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you --let the church help.

2. Thursday night -Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. "A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday."  (should have been "held")

17. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

18. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

As the new minister in town was walking down the street, he saw a little boy straining every muscle to reach the door-bell. He realized the little guy would never make it, although he admired the kid's tenacity. So he walked up on the porch to help.

"Here buddy, need some help?" He lifted the tyke who rang the bell.

As he set the child down, the kid took off running and called back over his shoulder, "Run mister! Here come the lady!"

In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, "Oh Dear George, I'm afraid the house is going to burn down, I'm sure I left the iron on."

George: "The house will not burn down Dear, don't worry"

Wife: "Now how can you make a statement like that"

George: "Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub!"

The story is told of four people who shared a berth in a train going from Paris to Madrid: a beautiful young woman travelling with her grandmother, and a handsome young army lieutenant who was with his commanding officer.

On the way the train passed through a tunnel, and the train became pitch black. Suddenly, in the darkness there was a sound of a kiss followed by a slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat stone faced as if nothing had happened.

The beautiful young woman thought to herself, "That was a wonderful kiss, but my grandmother must have slapped his face and he probably thinks I did it and he won't pay attention to me again."

The grandmother thinks, "That's a fresh thing for that man to kiss my grand daughter. I'm sure glad she stood up for herself, I'm sure it will teach him a lesson."

The commanding officer thought, "This is terrible, she must have thought that I was the one who kissed her, wait until I get back to the base, I'm really going to give my lieutenant a piece of my mind."

And the handsome young lieutenant thought, "This was my day. I got to kiss a beautiful woman and slap my boss and get away with both."

Could you imagine?

Our Office
Memorandum

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: EMPLOYEE BENEFITS SECTION, PERSONNEL SERVICE

SUBJECT: RESTROOM TRIPS POLICY (RTP)

DATE: OCTOBER 11, 1996

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective October 11, 1993, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.

Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20. RTC's may be accumulated from month to month.

Currently, entrances to restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next week, each employee must provide two voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel office. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive for the month of October. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period.

If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, restroom doors will not unlock for his/her voice until the first of the next month.

In addition, restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall doors will open.

If you have any questions regarding the new policy, contact your department supervisor.

In a small town way out in the country, a local farmer invited the new preacher and his wife to come out to the farm for supper. While the women were finishing preparations in the kitchen, the men talked in the living room. The farmer was in the middle of telling the preacher that because he was sure that most ministers liked chicken, that's what he had asked his wife to prepare. The farmer's son, playing nearby, spoke up and said, "But I thought it was 'buzzard', not 'chicken' that we were eating today."

"Of course not, where did you ever get that idea?" demanded the farmer.

"Well, I overheard you telling mommy that we ought to hurry up and have the 'old buzzard'" for dinner and get it over with."