Answering Machine Messages

1. "Hi! Now you say something."

2. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

3. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

4. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call."

5. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

6. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

7. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

8. "Hi. If you are a burgler, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination. The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration. With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, "Son, I've been waitin' all day for you." "Sorry officer," the young driver said. "I got here just as fast as I could."

Message for the Robber

A good Quaker gentleman was awakened one night by sounds downstairs in the living room. Realizing there was an intruder in his house, the Quaker gentleman took his hunting rifle, and standing at the top of the stairs, said,

"Sir, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."

Three people from different parts of the country passed away at the same time. All were met at the gates by St. Peter. The first was an architect from California. Peter said, "You've built beautiful buildings and served men on earth, but before you come in you have to pass one small test, spell 'God'". "G-O-D," replied the architect and St. Peter waved him through.

The second person to approach was a rancher from Texas. Peter looked at him and said, "You've served man upon the earth by providing food through the cattle you've raised but before you come in there's just one small test, spell 'GOD'". "G-O-D", said the rancher and Peter waved him through.

The third person was an attractive businesswoman from New York. Peter said, "You've served the world of commerce, but before you come in you'll have to pass one small test." At this the woman interrupted, "Oh come on now Saint," said the woman, "I've had to fight for every promotion I've ever gotten. I've had to take lower pay for the same job as a male colleague, and I've been continually harassed by bosses and peers for one reason, my gender. And now here I am and you're giving me a hard time too; what kind of test? Let's get it over with."

Peter thought for a moment and said, "Spell Czechoslovakia"

In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, "Oh Dear George, I'm afraid the house is going to burn down, I'm sure I left the iron on."

George: "The house will not burn down Dear, don't worry"

Wife: "Now how can you make a statement like that"

George: "Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub!"
 

   The Pastor says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."

   The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

   Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor.  The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Pastor a thick    envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Pastor for his wonderful advice. The Pastor is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

   The man replies: "Chapter 11."

The story is told of a pastor who was frustrated because of one man who always seemed to fall asleep during the sermon. So the pastor devised a trick, a way he though he could embarrass the man so as to get him to break this habit. Near the end of a sermon concerning "hell", the Pastor, in a normal voice, said to the congregation, "Any one here today who wants to go to hell" - - then he raised his voice to a much louder volume - - "PLEASE STAND UP!"

Of course this woke up the sleeping parishioner who quickly jumped to his feet. After collecting himself for a moment, the man then looked at the pastor and said, "Preacher, I don't know why I'm standing, but it appears that you and I are both in this boat."

A hearse reached the entrance to the cemetery at the top of a hill, passing over a speed bump. Its back door flew open and out came the coffin, still on its carriage with rollers. The coffin headed downhill, in the middle of the street, gathering speed as it went.

As it reached the bottom of the hill, it was heading directly for the front doors of a drugstore. The coffin sailed through the doors and through the store, straight to the pharmacy counter at the rear. The startled pharmacist watched with alarm as the coffin slammed into his counter, the lid popped open and up sat the corpse who said, "Thanks!  I knew you'd have something to stop this coffin?"