More of this and that...
(Don't hurt the Smiley!)

Can you believe that these things really happen? So you think you're
computer-illiterate?

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close
the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the
man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because
his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained
that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you
receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this
cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand
it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and snapped it off the drive!

RUN-DOWN RABBIT RESURRECTED ON ROAD!!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver,
being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of
the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began
to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road
and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was
wrong."I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her
car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead
rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters,
turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. It continued hopping and waving
until it disappeared in the distance.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in
your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can
around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hair spray: restores
life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
--Anonymous

"HYMNS APPROPRIATE TO THE OCCASION"

The Dentist's Hymn--"Crown Him with Many Crowns"
The TV Weatherman's Hymn---"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
The Contractor's Hymn--"The Church's one Foundation"
The Tailor's Hymn--"Holy, Holy, Holy"
The Golfer's Hymn---"There is a Green Hill Far Away"
The Politician's Hymn--"Standing on the Promises"
The Optometrist's Hymn--"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
The IRS Hymn--"All to Thee"
The Gossiper's Hymn--"Pass it On"
The Electrician's Hymn--"Send the Light"
The Shopper's Hymn--"Sweet by and by"
If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph...."God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph...."Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph...."Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph..."Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph..."This World is not my Home"
at 95 mph...."Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph...."Precious Memories"

 Author unknown.

The Angels are Watching!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a pastor's house which he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his
tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "His angels are watching." Looking
about nervously he saw nothing. So, he attributed what he heard to an active
imagination, and turned his attention to the house.
Silence returned. Steathily he crept forward, his flashlight moving from
side to side. Again from the darkness came the strange voice. "His angels
are watching!"
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened and trembling.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner the flashlight's beam
found a bird cage, and inside was a parrot.
He moved carefully to the cage. "Was that you who said his angels are
watching me?" He asked the parrot.
"Yes," it squawked, as it focused intently on the thief.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief. Amazed at the bird's intelligence, he
asked, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," replied the bird, matter-of-factly.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the now-confident criminal. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"
Coldly, but with a tinge of satisfaction, the bird squawked its hoarse
reply, "The pastor named me Clarence, and that's not half as dumb the two
Rotweilers he calls his Angels!"