THIS AND THAT...

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out and past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A priest and a nun were returning from a tiring day on the road when their car broke down. They were unable to get it fixed, so they were forced to spend the night. As it would happen, the only hotel in the town had only one room available.

After assessing the situation the Priest said, "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa, and you may have the bed."

The Nun replied, "I think that would be okay." They prepared for bed and each one took their agreed place in the room.

Just as the Priest was falling asleep, the Nun asked, "Father, I'm terribly cold. Could you get me a blanket?" The Priest replied, "Okay Sister, I'll get you a blanket." The Priest got the blanket and returned to the sofa.

As the priest was about to fall asleep a second time, the Nun once again requested, "Father, I'm still terribly cold. Could you get me another blanket?" The Priest replied "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." He got the blanket and returned to the sofa.

As the priest was about to fall asleep for a third time, the Nun stated, "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

The Priest replied, "You're probably right. Get up and get your own blanket!"

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through the University, cost me a fortune, and then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer!" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did He say?" pressed the Lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...'"

A man traveling across the country stops in a small town for some refreshment. He enters the local restaurant to find it deserted except for the waitress. The tables are clean and tidy and the each has a basket of nuts at the center.

The man orders a some coffee and sits quietly at one of the tables. After a few moments he hears a voice say, "Nice tie." He looks about, but no one is in sight.

A couple of moments later he hears another voice say, "Great haircut." He looks about, but no one is around.

A moment later he hears another voice say, "Attractive shirt." Puzzled he approaches the waitress and asks about the voices. The waitress states, "Oh that. It is the nuts. They are complimentary!

This is a collection of Oxymoron's from Ed Dunkleblau,
President of American Association for Therapeutic Humor

OXYMORONS:

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Important papers will demonstrate their importance by moving to where you can't find them.

The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.

The trouble with life is that you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing..

We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Employ teenagers - while they know everything.

The best antiques are old friends.

Down with gravity!

Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...!

People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

If you can't be kind, be vague.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A man was driving down the road when a pig fell off a truck ahead of him. The man stopped and put the pig in his car. A few minutes later he was stopped by a police officer. When the officer approached the man said, "This pig fell off a truck. What should I do with him?"

The officer replied, "Why don't you take him to the zoo."

"That's a great idea!" replied the man and he and the pig were off.

The next day the officer once again saw the man driving with the pig in his car. The officer stopped the car and said, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

"You did," replied the man. "In fact, we had such a good time at the zoo yesterday, we decided to go to the beach today."

Three people approached St. Peter at the pearly gates of heaven.

As first person approached, St. Peter asked, "What did you do in your lifetime to benefit humanity?"
The person replied, "I was a scientist and invented a new medicine that saved the lives of thousands."St. Peter replied, "Welcome! Enjoy your stay."

As the second person approached, St. Peter again asked, "What did you do in your lifetime to benefit humanity?"
The person replied, "I was a teacher and educated thousands of children."
St. Peter replied, "Welcome! Enjoy your stay."

As the third person approached, St. Peter again asked, "What did you do in your lifetime to benefit humanity?"
The person replied, "I was the head of a large managed health care company and provided health care for thousands of men, women, and children."
St. Peter replied, "Welcome, enjoy your stay, but please remember you can stay only three days."

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those little red fire trucks?"

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, great idea!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

A man and his dog walk up to a hotdog stand. The man says to the vender, "If you give me a some food, I will have my dog talk."

The vender gives the man a hotdog, and the man says to the dog, "What's on top of a house?" The dog growls, "Roof."

The man then says, "What is the surface of sand paper?" The dog barks, "Ruff."

The man then asks, "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog barks, "Ruth."

The vender feeling deceived tells the man and the dog to get lost. The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"