Holiday Grief
by Dr. Wayne Evans

    Grief is tough.  As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, any number of us will be facing an empty place in the family circle. The fact that everyone else seems to be so happy makes this an especially difficult time to those of us dealing with sorrow.  It makes some people dread this time of the year.

    For generations, people in mourning wore black clothing, or hat/armbands for at least two years as a sign of respect for the deceased.   In “Gone with the Wind” the heroine Scarlet shocked the community when she showed up at a dance following the death of her husband.  Not only that, she dared to dance!  We may snicker at how the busybodies were so insensitive to the loneliness of the young widow, but there was a reason people were in official mourning for so long.  This was a way to alert the community: Do not expect this individual or family to carry on “business as usual.”  Mourning attire gave people permission to take time to cry, to remember, to be alone, and to expect the community to be supportive.

    Today’s society expects people to “move on” a month or so after a death. The reality is that the grief process can not be shortened.  It takes time to adjust to the death of someone we love. So how do you do it when our society is celebrating the holidays?

    Don’t keep a stiff upper lip. It’s not necessary to maintain every holiday tradition from past. Pick and choose what you want to do. There is no right or wrong way to spend the holidays or to grieve.

    Don’t impose your expectations on other family members.  Some don’t  want to do some things to honor the memory of the deceased. Others will do those very things because they know the deceased would not have wanted everyone to miss the pleasures of the season. Children should not be penalized because Grandma died.

    Do some things differently.  If the family always gathered at one specific home in the past, go somewhere else this year.  Instead of opening gifts on Christmas Eve, open them on Christmas morning or that afternoon.  Go visit family or friends out of town, so you are not home alone for the entire weekend.

    If you find yourself alone, plan ahead and invite others to share a meal with you at a restaurant or at home.  Go to a nursing home to visit those without family.  Don’t know what to do?  Take a book or a magazine to read to them.  Take refreshments to the fire fighters/police/deputies/ nurses are on duty that day.

    Allow yourself to grieve.  Don’t make yourself too busy.  Be realistic with yourself.  If you don’t want to listen to Christmas carols, don’t.  Yet realize that may be the very thing you need to do in order to have a good cry. Take time to write down or reflect on the ways your loved one blessed your life.

    Decorate only as much as you want to. You can decide whether to put up a Christmas tree, or “make-do” with an Advent Wreath.   Realize that sooner or later you will have to face the death of your loved one.

    Remember what Christmas celebrates: God came as a baby to save hurting people.   Make a donation to those in need:  Christian Community Action, Methodist or Baptist Children’s Home, DART, refugees, prisoners, and residents of nursing homes.

    If you are not in acute grief, offer comfort to those who are. Drop them a note to let them know you are praying for them in this difficult time of the year.  Take the initiative to invite them to spend an evening with your family, yet understand if they decline. Take a meal to them. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are not just festive times. These are also occasions of sorrow for many. Pray for the bereaved. Reach out and befriend them.

    Remember:  There is a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3: 4). St. Paul wrote: Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. (Romans 12: 15).

Wayne Evans is pastor of Ruston’s Grace United Methodist Church . An archive of his past articles is at www.graceruston.org. Go to the link on the Pastor’s Page.