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A survey of our church family revealed the following: Our Women Speak Top 10 Things Men Do that Women Find Unappealing 10. Immoral beliefs 9. Impatient with kids 8. Drinking 7. Act immature 6. Controlling 5. Lack of respect 4. Irresponsible, lazy 3. Foul language 2. Dishonesty, lying, misrepresenting 1. Selfish, arrogant, big ego Top 10 Things Women Admire in Men 10. Intelligence & curiosity 9. Personality 8. Ability to compromise 7. Listening 6. Communication 5. Family man 4. Spirituality and faith 3. Humor 2. Caring, kind, loving 1. Honesty, loyalty, trust   Our Men Speak Things Women Do that Men Find Unappealing • Negative attitude • Overly emotional • Lack of Trust • Moodiness • Too clean • Not amorous enough • Anxiety • Lack of confidence • Stubborn • Mistrust • Having a different agenda • Lack of communication • Yelling • Too quiet Things Men Admire in Women • Intelligence • Personality • Looks • Sense of humor • Supportive • Best friend • Femininity • Cooking • Tolerance • Family oriented • Caring & loving • Responsible • Faith • Openness

Making Love Last a Lifetime

The following information is from a study we did at St. Paul's based on the book "Making Love Last a Lifetime" by Rev. Adam Hamilton, pastor of the United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas. For more information on Pastor Hamilton and his church, see Church of the Resurrection website.

Key Insights from Chapter 1
Venus and Mars in the Beginning

Scripture: Genesis 2:18, 21-25

1. God created men and women to be different; these differences are a gift, not a curse. They are to be valued and understtod, not hated and despised. Our differences are essential to God's plan.
2. Men and women need each other. We are not complete by ourselves. Whether single or married, we need companions of the opposite sex.
3. Sex and sexuality were meant to be beautiful. They were designed by God as a good part of creation.
4. The union of a man and a woman (marriage) was designed by God as a way of meeting the basic needs of two human beings for companionship and help.
5. Marriage is a sacred calling from God to give, serve, and sacrifice for another. We cannot answer this calling unless we allow the power of the Holy Spirit to work through us, helping us to rise above self-centeredness. To the degree that we focus on this calling, we will find joy and meaning in marriage, even when things are not perfect.


Key Insights from Chapter 2
What Women Wish Men Knew About Women

Scripture: Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:12-17

1. Because men and women have different needs, it takes some adjustments, a willingness to listen, and just plain work for both individuals to be content and even joyful in their relationship.
2. A woman's heart is like a "love bank." Actions on the part of both the man and the woman constitute deposits and withdrawals. The overdraft warnings a woman gives may take the form of a short temper or irritation, coldness to physical advances, or tears. When a woman's love bank operates in overdraft mode for a long period of time, it eventually goes bankrupt; she has nothing left to give.
3. Women feel loved when men…
   • demonstrate affection through nonsexual touch, words, and small acts of kindness.
   • pay attention to them by listening, valuing their thoughts, noticing what's important to them, inviting them to share their feelings, and sharing their own innermost thoughts..
   • are active in the home and family, loving the children & helping around the house.
   • express appreciation and gratitude for who they are and what they have done, rather than taking them for granted or criticizing them.
   • are partners in faith with them, attend church with them, share in their faith in God.


Key Insights from Chapter 3
What Men Wish Women Knew About Men

Scripture: Ephesians 5:21-24, 33

1. A man's heart is also like a love bank, but the currency needed to fill up his love bank is different than that needed by a woman.
2. The primary way a man feels loved is when the woman he loves expresses genuine admiration and affirmation.
3. Other ways a man feels love are when...
   •  she listens to him and encourages him to share important things (Note: the key is talking about what is important to him).
   • she cares for his physical and emotional needs (and those of the children, if any) through acts of service (Note: While such acts of service are deposits into his love bank, they are withdrawals from her love bank. Words of appreciation will help to replenish her love bank).
   • she (his wife) meets his need for physical intimacy.
   • she spends quality time with him, especially doing things together (recreational companionship).
4. A man needs his "down time."
5. A man does not like being expected to read a woman's mind. He appreciates her telling him what she is thinking or what she needs or wants.
6. A man needs to be needed (without the woman he loves being overly needy).


Key Insights from Chapter 4
After the Honeymoon Is Over

Scripture: Colossians 3:12-14

1. For a relationship or marriage to be successful, there must be more positive than negative feelings, words, and experiences (one author suggests a ratio of five positive affirmations for every conflict).
2. A couple's relationship thrives when they cultivate a friendship by:
   • learning about each other.
   • nurturing their fondness and admiration for each other.
   • turning toward each other, spending time together, connecting verbally.
   • allowing themselves to be influenced by each other.
3. Colossians 3:12-14 offers a recipe for strong relationships, but we can follow this advice only if we are connected to Christ and allow the Holy Spirit to work in us.
4. We do not always feel love. Lasting love begins and ends with friendship and a commitment to do love even when we do not feel it.


Key Insights from Chapter 5
The Habits of Unhealthy Marriages

Scripture: Ephesians 4:25-32

Five Destructive Habits
1. Disrespect, contempt, criticism, abuse (Sometimes individuals live up to what we say about them.)
2. Dishonesty and lying (Lasting relationships are based on trust.)
3. Poor handling of money (Check your priorities; tithe; live within your means.)
4. Alcohol and drug abuse (Ask: Is the person closest to me affected negatively?)
5. Infidelity (This can be physical or emotional.)

One Essential Habit
Forgiveness (This is in many ways the major theme of our faith.)


Key Insights from Chapter 6
God's Plan for Sexual Intimacy

Scripture: Genesis 2:24-25, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

1. Sexual intimacy is a thing of beauty meant to bring joy between a husband and wife.
2. God designed sexual intercourse as the method for procreation. It is a holy act in which we participate with God in creation.
3. God designed sexual intercourse as a means of emotional bonding (Genesis 2:24-25). This physical act corresponds to our emotional and spiritual love for each other and is meant to bond husband and wife together.
4. Sex outside marriage is not in God's plan:
   • Premarital sex defiles God's temple—our bodies (1 Cor. 6:13b, 15-19).
   • Premarital sex does not show adequate respect for this holy act associated with the "co-creation" of children.
   • We have yet to commit to be one through the bond of marriage, yet we are joining ourselves at the deepest level to another human being. This perverts God's purpose of bonding through becoming one flesh.
   • We can give away our virginity only once.
   • There is the possibility of emotional harm and pain. When the relationship ends, in effect, we "divorce" the person with whom we have bonded.
   • Growing in a sexual relationship is something learned over years in a covenant relationship with one person.
   • Relationships involving premarital sex forge bonds before promises have been made.
5. Pornography places unhealthy and unrealistic images in our minds. It takes something beautiful and makes it cheap and shameful. It also is addictive.
6. God's gift of sexual intimacy is available to us no matter how far we have strayed. Christ provides the love and support we need to bring back the beauty and joy of genuine sexual intimacy.


Key Insights from Chapter 7
The Ministry & Meaning of Faithfulness

Scripture: 1 Timothy 4:4-5, Hebrews 13:4a

1. Sexuality was created by God to be a blessing that bonds a couple together.
2. When we misuse God's gift and are unfaithful, it brings negative consequences and extreme pain.
3. Ways to affair-proof a marriage:
   • Have a clear conviction that adultery is wrong. ("Thou shalt not commit adultery" is the seventh commandment.)
   • Do not feed sexual thoughts and fantasies about someone other than your spouse.
   • Invite your mate to help you remain faithful.
   • Do not spend extended periods of time alone with someone of the opposite sex.
   • Do not enter into intimate conversation with someone of the opposite sex.
   • If you have feelings for another person other than your spouse, keep your feelings to yourself because words have power.
4. Infidelity is not limited to sexual relations. Jesus defined it as having to do with the thoughts of our hearts. Stepping over the line through e-mail, phone calls, or other communication gives a false sense of emotional intimacy or excitement.
5. Sexual intimacy is a gift that gets better over time; it becomes a blessing when husband and wife seek to meet each other's needs with no regard to their own needs. This is called agape love.


Key Insights from Chapter 8
Making Love Last a Lifetime

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

1. Being a Christian single is both a gift and a blessing. It is an apportunity to be "radically available" to God.
2. Marriage is a calling in which two people enter into a covenant with God to minister to each other. It is an act of discipleship, service, and obedience to God.
3. For a marriage to be effective, busband and wife must have a shared sense of purpose or meaning. This includes shared values and goals and a shared calling to serve God together.
One of the most important things to look for in a mate, or a date, is a shared faith.
An unbelieveing spouse is sanctified, or "made holy," by a believing spouse (1 Cor. 7:14). In time, the Holy Spirit shines through the believing spouse to the unbelieving spouse. This requires extraordinary grace and patience.
6. Christ enables you the withstand all the forces that may pull against your relationship. Doing these things will help you to make Christ a partmer in your marriage:
   • Affirm Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.
   • Continue to build a relationship with Christ—individually and together.
   • Read the Bible together, and apply the wisdom of God's Word to your relationship.
   • Pray together.
   • Worship together.
   • Serve God together.