This is a collection of humorous articles I've collected over the years. I have no idea of who most of the original authors were. I try not to be offensive, but please forgive me if I fail.
Theological Engineering Exam
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You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon.
The speed of light is c.
Show all work.
For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant
density D.
No praying during the exam.
1. (25 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount. Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?
2. (25 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
3. (25 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?
4. (25 pts.) Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything. What is Stan's sin level now?
5. Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
From Ecunet
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Our Grandfather, who art in heaven, special be thy name,
Thy candy come, thy will be changed, on earth as in our wishful
thinking.
Give us this day our daily cake;
And wink at our trespasses, as we wink at ourselves when we trespass
against others;
And lead us not into commitment, but deliver us from dedication.
For thine is the lap, and the chuckle, and the pat on the head,
forever and ever.
You bet!
From Ecunet
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To all Talk.Origins Readers,
Clearly, we can see the very structure of our civilization crumbling around our ears. Sexual perversion runs rampant as our once-proud moral culture slides ever closer to the gaping maw of oblivion. One need only turn on the TV to witness ample evidence of the degradation of our current Godless society, slipping closer to destruction with the wanton disregard for proper diction, and the torrid abomination of corrupted grammar!
Why, just listen to the "music" of the young people these days. Such trash! The words slur together (when they can be understood at all) into a putrid mush of incomplete sentences and split infinitives. It's awful. And it has been PROVEN to induce young people to commit acts of violence, theft, and unwed pregnancy. And surely, it is no mere coincidence that this dire threat to the fabric of our very civilization coincides exactly with the indoctrination of our young people with Godless LINGUISTICS in the public schools.
Our public schools have turned away from the source of Truth, to teach our children that our sacred English language has descended from other languages. The poor impressionable youngsters are taught AS A FACT that English words have certain "root words", even though this is only a theory. The FACT is, God Almighty created all languages complete when he confused mankind's original language as punishment for our transgression at the tower of Babel. But the athiest/lingusts don't want this mentioned in public settings, because it goes against their FAITH, and forces them to face their own accountability. So they have BANNED the teaching of Babelism, because they are afraid that it might expose the weakness of their own linguistic ideas. Is this fair? I don't think so. It goes against all that America stands for.
Therefore, join me in the campaign to have a balanced and fair treatment in public education. All english teachers should be required to include Babelism as a valid alternate theory to Linguisticism, whenever the origins of the English language is discussed.
Oh, of course we can expect opposition from the entrenched vested interests. They will point to certain similarities (i.e. "mother", "madre" "mater") as evidence of the relatedness of various languages. But this is a complete misinterpretation of the evidence. Clearly it is more economical for God to use similar phonic structures to designate similar meanings. Therefore, the existence of such similarities PROOVES that the various languages must have had the same author.
Second, a language is a complex thing. The odds that some first speaker could randomly string together a complex series of sounds, and then multiply this by the odds that someone else would UNDERSTAND him, and the probablity could be calculated to be less than 1 in 10^500. That's a one with five hundred zero's. A statistical impossibility. Obviously, the first language must have a designer: God.
Third, there is NO evidence that transitional languages ever existed. What use is half a language? A noun without verbs conveys no meaning! Sure, there is middle and old- English. But these are ENGLISH! A complete nontransitional language. We do not deny that micro-lingustics can happen, but this process can create only DIALECTS. There is NO EVIDENCE that a series of random micro-lingustic events can create a WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE. I'll beleive in Macro-linguistics when I see a video tape of a child growing up in an Eskimo village suddenly become fluent in Armenian! It takes A LOT MORE FAITH to beleive in athieistic linguisticism than the truth of Babelism.
So join me in the crusade: Babelism must be included in the public school English curriculum.
There are only two theories which explain the origin of our language: Babelism and Linguisticism. Shouldn't they BOTH be given a fair hearing?
Thank you.
[Originally posted to "Talk Origins" December 24, 1996 by Gail Davis]
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The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
[From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972]
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A young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
[by Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted to ECULAUGH]
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Avraham (Abraham) wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Yitzhak (Isaac) is incredulous.
"Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."
But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."
[Thanks to Mary Wald for sending this my way]
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My sister decided it was time that her three sons get baptised. So, after weeks of suitable instruction one bright Sunday morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, would have their sins washed away. The 9 year old was particularly pensive that day, and when Ruth Ann asked him what he was thinking about, his reply was in the form of a question.
"Mom, I want to go first."
"Why?"
"Because, I don't want to be baptised in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."
They were baptised in birth order. Come to think of it, the oldest one was always my favorite nephew...
[Courtesy of Paul Harmon from Albany, Oregon]
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Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewr commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, becuase we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promis 35 minute worship servies, with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 500.
We have only 6 Commandments-- Your choice!! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament *Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings*. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800 year Millenium.
Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!!
{Courtesy of Howard Chapman]
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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
[Courtesy of Christiaan A. Brugman, Albemarle Road Presbyterian Church, Charlotte, NC]
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OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
[Selected by Jim Griffith and others; sent to me by Mary Wald]
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Roger Matthews tells the following story:
We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly "out" in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory; a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."
[Thanks to Mary Wald for sending this story my way]
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Rena D'Andrea has collected some church slogans and advertisements over the years:
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The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who went off on a long sabbatical. Before he left, he called together his graduate students and gave each of them projects to work on; to one he gave five projects, to another two, and to another one, each according to their ability. The one who received five projects immediately went to work, designing experiments, building equipment, and analyzing data. She worked long and hard, and eventually she achieved good results on each project. Likewise, the one who received two projects immediately went to work, and eventually got results as well. But the student who received one project was easily discouraged, got distracted by her coursework, and eventually gave up.
After a very long time, the professor returned to settle accounts with his students. The first student said, "Professor, you gave me these projects to work on, and see, here are the results." And the professor answered, "Well done, good and faithful graduate student. You have been faithful over five projects. You shall be co-author on five publications and receive a Ph.D.! (And you can expect a good letter of recommendation, too!)" Likewise the second student showed his results, and the professor said, "Well done, good and faithful student. You have been faithful over two projects. You will be co-author on two publications, and receive a Master's degree."
But the third student came and said, "Professor, I know that you are a harsh man, publishing where you did not labor, and claiming credit where you did not contribute, and I was afraid. So I kept the lab locked up and I didn't let anyone borrow any equipment. See, everything is just the way you left it." Then the professor answered, "You wicked and slothful graduate student! I will judge you by your own words. So, you knew that I was a harsh man, publishing where I did not labor, and claiming credit where I did not contribute; well then, you should have at least gotten a teaching fellowship so that I wouldn't have had to pay your salary out of my research grants! Now depart from me and from this institution ... out into the REAL world, and try to find a job. There you will have weeping and gnashing of teeth."
For to everyone who has, more will be given. But to him who has not, even what little he has will be taken away. (Matthew 25:14-30)
But the professor wanted to justify himself, so he asked the dean, "What does it mean to mentor students?" In reply the dean said: "One term there was a student who was struggling in his courses. He went to talk about it to the professor of one of his classes, but the professor brushed him off with, "If you can't handle the work, you should drop the course." The student then went to his academic advisor, but she was on her way out the door to the airport and didn't have time to talk. A custodian overheard the conversation, and, seeing the discouragement of the student, invited him out for a cup of coffee. It turned out the student was dealing with the death of a family member, and the stress was affecting his personal life as much as his studies. The custodian walked him to the counseling center and arranged an appointment for him. He called the student several times in the next few weeks to see how things were going, and helped him think through whether to drop the courses or not. Now, which one of these was the true mentor to the student?" The professor replied, "The one who had mercy on him." The dean told him, "Go and do likewise." (Luke 10:25-37)
The student said to himself, "What shall I do now? My professor is taking away my funding. I don't have good enough work habits to get a real job, and I'm too proud to move back in with my parents. I know what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, other research groups will hire me as a technician."
So he called each of his professor's competitors. He asked the first, "How much of that gene have you cloned so far?" "Only about 40 percent," she replied. The student answered, "I'll tell you the parts that you're missing." Then he asked the second, "Have you decided what experiments you're going to do next?" "We're still deciding that," the second replied. The student answered, "I'll tell you what ideas we've discussed in our lab."
The professor commended the dishonest student because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of light should be just as shrewd in doing good as the people of this world are in doing evil. (Luke 16:1-8, Mathew 10:16)
But God said to her, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded of you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?" This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich towards God. (Luke 12:16-21)
When they were finished grading, the professor took them all to a restaurant. When she paid for the dinners of those who had started work at 5 o'clock, those who started early in the morning expected to receive more. But when she only paid for their dinner too, they began to grumble, "These others who only worked one hour got just as much as we did, who slaved all day over those papers." But the professor answered, "I am not being unfair to you. You got what we agreed upon. I want to give the students who only graded one hour as much as I gave you. Don't I have that right? Or are you envious because I am generous?"
So the last will be first and the first will be last. (Mathew 20:1-16)
When the RSVP's came back, the president was angry and told his assistant, "Go quickly into the classrooms, dorms, and offices and bring in the graduate students, undergraduates, and staff." "Sir," said the assistant, "what you ordered has been done, but the banquet hall still isn't full." Then the president said, "Go to other colleges down the road, and invite them to come! The banquet hall must be filled! I tell you, not one of those who were invited first will be let in the door." (Luke 14:16-24)
(Copyright reserved by Deborah and Loren Haarsma. May be freely distributed electronically in whole or in part, but please keep this notice attached and do not alter the text.)