This is a collection of humorous articles I've collected over the years. I have no idea of who most of the original authors were. I try not to be offensive, but please forgive me if I fail.
Gay Marriage
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Good News: You baptised seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well
card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job
description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to
send a new minister capable of filling the position.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church
parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the
parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three
weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.
Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a
visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with
toilet paper and shaving cream.
Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy
Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending
you.
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A minister prayed to God in turmoil over the sinful state of his city, "Lord, most of the people in the city have no interest in following you. And the rest of us are having a hard time holding on!"
God heard the prayer and sent down an angel to investigate the claim. Later the angel reported back that, indeed, things were much worse that the minister indicated. 99% of the city was more sinful than Sodom and Gomorrah, and the remaining faithful 1% were strugling.
God considered what to do for those who were staying true to the faith. Finally God decided to send a letter of encouragement to the faithful few.
And do you know what the letter said?
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to read my copy?
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Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying,
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept...
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A Sure Fire Stewardship Program Designed And Developed By Dale Vitalis
Theological Basis: 'As a man winneth so will he giveth.' Hez 6:15
Purpose: The ' BLT' ( bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.
Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:
Benefits: Fee-nominal!! Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits blessings, if you serve a 'spiritual' congregation) from this 'Lord's Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program'
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Some more reasons " Why Men Should Not Be Ordained " from The MENNONITE REPORTER, "Fly on the newsprint" by Ivan Emke (with acknowledgement for inspiration to Rosemary Radfore Ruether.)
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And the Lord said unto Noah: 'Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?'
And Noah said unto the Lord, 'Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down---yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do O'Lord?'
And God said unto Noah: 'I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.'
And Noah said: 'It will be so.' And it was not so.
And the Lord said unto Noah: 'What seemeth to be the trouble this time?'
And Noah said unto the Lord: 'Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thous commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord, I am undone. '
And the Lord grew angry and said: 'And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed upon the face of the earth?'
And Noah said: 'They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday.
And the Lord said: 'How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven?'
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: 'Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.'
And the Lord in his wisdom said: 'Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?'
And the Lord grew angry.
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Recent Vatican interest in the effect upon laymen of the shortage of Professional Priests ( PP) and the decreased seminary enrollment of Potential Priests ( P'P) has led to the development of Computerized Operations [Non-retrievable] for Expediting Sinner Services [ CONFESS]. The program provides a viable alternative to traditional confessional procedures and techniques by listing penitential requirements (by sin) on a private printout to penitents, such that the printed penances are appropriate to the sin(s) committed. Consequently, the frequent problem whereby the penitent, often under extreme emotional duress, forgets either the sin or the subsequent penance is eliminated.
In addition, the program provides a probability estimate of the consequences of not completing the penances associated with various categories of sin; e.g., the number of years in purgatory. Full freedom of choice is thereby completely within the purview of the penitent/ user ( PU) rather than the confessor. The program requires no PP involvement or activity, thereby freeing PPs to engage in more pressing or productive activities. It is hoped that by providing PPs with more time for critical theological activities, P'Ps will consider the priesthood a more socially conscious and relevant profession, causing an increase of P'P enrollment in accredited seminaries.
Program Descriptor:
CONFESS is available in three natural interactive languages: COURSEWRITER III, BASIC and TUTOR, and can be programmed for most other natural languages such as interactive FORTRAN. The program has been developed utilizing online computer terminals linked to an IBM 360/F30 for data input, but could be modified to operate in batch mode on almost any third-generation configuration, including micros, given the willingness to sacrifice instantaneous feedback.
The computing procedures for CONFESS are as follows: The 'present sins input' ( PSI) yields the 'graduated penitential accrual' ( GPA) as a function of 'present sins' ( PS plus 'frequency of confession visits' ( FCV) times 'completed penances' ( CP) divided by 'recurrent/recidivist sins (1)' ( RS). Hence, GPA is a function not only of the immediate sins reported but also a partial function of the reciprocal relationship of recurrent/recidivist sins to completed penances by frequency of confession visits. The relative penance is then increased by the inclusion of recurrent/recidivist sins. Mathematically, this can be represented as follows:
PSI->GPA=F{PS+FCV/(CP/RS)}
Ergo, each present sin ( PS) yields a specific GPA that is stored until all GPAs have been computed. At that time, punishment and its maximum likelihood of re-occurrence (2) should the GPA not be completed, are retrieved from core storage and printed out for the individuated GPA prescription.
Validity And Reliability:
A study to establish the validity of the CONFESS program was conducted. The procedure included an actuarial sample of 243 actual confessions, stratified across low, medium and high socio- economic income brackets with non-significant differences in proportions of black, white and Spanish-speaking PUs. Fourteen priests were used in the study from seven different cities.
The actual sins confessed and penances prescribed in the confessional booths were tape recorded *without* the knowledge of either penitent or confessor, to insure absolute authenticity and integrity of the confessor/penitent relationship (3). The tapes were further analyzed and penances were rated on a scale of 1-10 where 10 = maximum severity (4). Then ratings were made by the Seven Cardinal Evaluators identified by Stake (AERA, 1972). The interrater reliability was established as .949.
The 243 sin sets taken from the taped confessions were then entered into the CONFESS program via remote terminal. A Pearson Product Moment Correlation was computed between the actual PP penance prescriptions and the CONFESS GPAs. A correlation of .971 was interpreted to provide sufficient concurrent validity for CONFESS confidence.
A further series of small studies to determine the reliability of the CONFESS program were conducted as follows:
Early in the project's history it was suggested that terminals could easily be installed in drive-up booths similar to bank ATM machines, and that the facility could be titled TOOT 'N TELL. For some reason, the idea was shelved and has not yet been given serious consideration.
The results of these four studies are sufficient to provide confidence in CONFESS program reliability.
Procedures & Output:
Since CONFESS is a natural-language program, the procedures for CONFESS are extremely simple:
SAMPLE PRINTOUT
===========================================================================
CONFESS GPA PRINTOUT JOHN DOE, Age 29
===========================================================================
TIME SINCE LAST CONFESSION = 3 WEEKS RECIDIVIST
PRESENT SINS TYPE GPA PUNISHMENT PROBABILITY
===========================================================================
1) ENVIES BOSS VENIAL 10 OUR FATHERS 1 YR.PURGATORY .98
PRACTICE SMILING
AT BOSS
2) SWEAR AT WIFE VENIAL 10 HAIL MARYS 1.73 YRS PURG. .84
PRACTICE SMILING
AT WIFE
3) COVET NEIGHBOR'S MORTAL 1 ROSARY/DAY/WK ETERNAL DAMNATION .91
WIFE
ONLY THREE SINS THIS TIME, *MR. DOE*! YOU'RE IMPROVING. YOU HAD *14* LAST
CONFESSION. NICE GOING. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE
OUT A LITTLE BETTER WITH NUMBER *3* IN THE FUTURE.
FERSTER, C.B. and SKINNER, B.F. 'Schedules of Reinforcement.' Appleton- Century Crofts, Inc., NY, 1957, 14-19.
'Rome's Actual Transgressions (RATS)', Ed. Pope II. Randomness Press, Inc., Rome, 12 A.D.
STAKE, ROBERT. 'The Seven Cardinal Evaluators.' A paper presented at the National American Educational Research Association, in Chicago, 1972.
[I'm told that this has appeared in the "Journal of Irreproducible Results"]
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Compose 10,000 impressive sentences. Select a phrase from each column to form statements which sound profound.
Column A Column B Column C Column D
----------------- -------------- -------------- --------------
1 A formal analysis 1 the meaning of 1 is further 1 the relevant
will quickly show major elements compounded by dynamics of
that considering Luke-Acts.
2 From an 2 the linguistic 2 imposes 2 the ramifications
exegetical point consideration smothering of consensus-
of view constraints upon building.
3 Although Moltmann 3 a structural 3 necessitates that 3 the clarity of
does not state it dynamic urgent the sociological
in so many words, analysis consideration dimensions.
the implication be made of
is clear that
4 There can be no 4 the 4 adds 4 the unfortunate
doubt that eschatological considerable faux-pas of
structure urgency to neo-orthodoxy.
5 Based upon 5 the homiletic 5 calls into 5 any attempt to
interdisciplinary problem question introduce
considerations historical
analysis.
6 In the last 6 a liturgical 6 must give way 6 an emphasis on
analysis perspective to dogmatics.
7 From a strictly 7 the introduction 7 orients the 7 undue reliance on
theological view of gnosticism serious scholar derivative
point toward materials.
8 Most scholars 8 the underlying 8 provokes an 8 global
seem to have question examination of perspectives.
forgotten that
9 Under the guise 9 an ahistorical 9 tends toward 9 excessive use of
of liberalism stance the 19th century
frameworks.
0 One might say 0 a need to 0 drives us to 0 a soteriological
master the data consider point of view.
Those who have not yet mastered theological conversation will find this guide invaluable in conversing with peers and authorities. Simply think of any 4-digit number (say, 6518) and read off the similarly numbered phrases from columns A, B, C, and D. (For example, 6518 is "In the last analysis, the homiletic problem is further compounded by considering global perspectives.") Never mind what it means; just use it and watch the way you bring conversation to a halt. You can compose profound reports by using varied number combinations.
As you become more proficient in its use, you may wish to experiment with varying the column sequence, e.g., BACD, CBAD, etc. These advanced configurations are not recommended for beginners, however, requiring as they do sophisticated dexterity with punctuation.
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A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
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St. Paul
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.. you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed... you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
... The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
... you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh
... you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
... you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
... you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn
... tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
... half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
... the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
... you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
... your pastor has a hyphenated last name
... names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar
... you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
... the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"
... you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
... you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London
... your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
... you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
... you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
... your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
... there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
... your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
... you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
... you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
... you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
... you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
... you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
... you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister
... "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
... you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
... your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
... you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee
... you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
... you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
... you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
... you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
... when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn
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