Humor

Over time, Pawling UMC staff and members have posted humorous articles on the church/office bulletin board or have shared them via E-mail. We'd like to share some of these with you.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK:

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics--do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, always travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee--float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!!

12. Stay below deck during a storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

 Author Unknown

1. He had only one major publication
2. And it was in Hebrew
3. And it had no references
4. And it was not published in a refereed journal
5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
13. He has his son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A UNITED METHODIST IF:

Good News / Bad News for a Pastor

Good News: You baptised seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you


Paul's Chain Letter To The Corinthians

1. The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians. With love all things are possible. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter - providing you in turn send it on.
2. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the Gentiles or superstitious peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
3. While visiting the household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.
4. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
5. Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.
6. In AD 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.
7. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth.

St. Paul

HOW MANY CHRISTIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? 

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air. 

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. 

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. 

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only. 

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. 

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. 

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. 

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However,if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. 

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved-you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. 

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. 

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. 

Amish: What's a light bulb?

The Farmer's Donkey. 

I thought this was inspirational - read to the end, it's worth it. 

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried 
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, 
he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; 
so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey. 

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a 
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. 
Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. 
Then, a few shovels full later, he quieted down completely. 

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.... 

With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing 
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new 
layer of dirt. 

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he 
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up 
over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of 
all the neighbors! 

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not 
let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. 

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! 
Shake it off and take a step up! 

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 

 Free your heart from hatred. 
 Free your mind from worries. 
 Live simply. 
 Give more. 
 Expect less.