"A Lesson For the Holidays"
12-14-08
So the latest adventure in parenthood is watching Abigail throw a toy or pacifier on the floor to watch mommy or daddy retrieve it. She is just starting to learn the relationship between cause and effect. While it gets old for mommy, I often pick up the toy to avoid the uncomfortably loud wail that comes as a consequence of not picking up the toy. Yet every time I pick that toy up, I’m reinforcing the throwing behavior. I have to weigh the consequences of each action.
Every time Abigail and I play the "Drop the Rattle" game I can’t help but think of wild animal theme parks, where a trainer manages to get animals of all shapes and sizes to perform on command. What does a trainer do when a 300 pound tiger starts behaving badly? I immediately have an image of the circus trainer with his whip, his chair, and his tight pants, ready to whip the unruly tiger into place. But it turns out that the best technique for dealing with bad behavior is no response at all. Trainers call this the "least-reinforcing scenario." If a whale spits on you and you react by yelling or wigging out in a "get this spit off of me dance," then you’ll become the whale’s target every time he sees you at the edge of the tank. The whole concept being, if you react badly, you will reinforce bad behavior. If you have a dog at home you know this is true. If the dog begs for 15 minutes for that last piece of meat on your plate and you finally give it to her just to shut her up, you’ve just taught the dog that persistence pays. You’ve reinforced the behavior. If, on the other hand, you ignore the dog’s incredibly annoying behavior, you’ve taught the dog that there’s no reward for their whining and begging. It may take a little fortitude on your part, but in the end you’ve created a different scenario.
Writer Amy Sutherland, has written a book entitled, What Shamu Taught Me about Life, Love, and Marriage. While studying animal trainers, she realized that the behavior-modification techniques used on animals could also be used to train people like lazy husbands. Her book is a witty and wise look at how we can deal with bad behavior in human relationships. Her three rules for dealing with problem people are pretty much the same kinds of rules Paul gives to the Thessalonians at the close of his letter. Whether it’s in a water tank training whales, or sharing the water of one bathroom while staying with relatives during the holidays, there’s a lot we can learn from both Shamu and the Scriptures.
The first rule that Sutherland suggests is what I introduce the sermon with. If an irritable mammal unloads on you, it is best to ignore the behavior. Angry reactivity rarely works out for the animal trainer or the disgruntled employee, or even for the son-in-law. Most often when we provoke each other, the situation intensifies rather than diffuses. When we choose not to be reactive, we defuse the situation and train others that there’s a better way to behave. Paul’s advice to the Thessalonians is similar. He writes, "See that none of you repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to all" (1 Thessalonians 5:15).
It is always tempting to try and win the argument, but self-control is really important. We’ve become a culture where our reactionary actions have come to include unspeakable emotional, verbal, and physical violence. Revenge escalates bad behavior while a non-anxious approach makes for quite a different scenario with better outcomes for all.
The second rule of training animals is to remember that any interaction is training. Every time we interact with another animal or human being, we contribute to that other person’s or animal’s behavior in some way. While ignoring bad behavior is the first rule, it’s important to realize when we’re contributing to that behavior. Maybe you’ve experienced the following situation: A boss continues to heap work on you at the last minute because he or she knows you’ll get it done. When we accept it without comment or protest, we’re training him to believe that if (s)he continues to plan poorly and waste time, you’ll be there to pick up her slack. Or perhaps it is your spouses chore to take out the trash each week, and when he doesn’t do it, you swoop in without comment and do it for him. He isn’t going to be any more likely to take the trash out the next week, if you are going to do the chore eventually anyways. Every time we engage in a relationship with someone, we’re training that person through our reactions.
"Paul makes it clear to the Thessalonians that there’s a need for setting boundaries in the community as well as challenging unsocial behavior. "Admonish the idlers," says Paul, " don’t let them freeload but train them to do their share of the work…Encourage the faint-hearted and…help the weak," training them toward wholeness by interacting positively and optimistically with them. "Be patient with all of them," says Paul, "not as a doormat but as people who are intentionally nurturing others to be vital members of the community of faith" (1 Thessalonians 5:14)."1
The most important rule, according to Sutherland, is the third one: Reward the behavior you want. Paul urges the Thessalonians toward a ministry of encouragement. "Respect those who labor among you," says Paul. "Esteem them very highly in love because of their work" (v. 12). Paul’s talking about church leaders here, but the same advice can be easily applied to anyone in authority. When your lazy spouse puts effort into helping around the house, gently praise him or her for it. Telling your spouse "I like the way you handled that" when he or she does something well is like giving a piece of mango to a lesser primate. I don’t mean that flippantly either. It is not about manipulation, but about real appreciation. Many of us will bite and lash out emotionally when we feel we are trapped in a corner, or unfairly treated. Yet if our best qualities are encouraged, we are more likely to draw closer in relationship with the one who shows us appreciation.
The bottom line is we can’t necessarily control how people act, but we can control how we react. Learning how to control our own reactions takes some practice. Yet having a handle on our reactions is invaluable when dealing with, for example, a judgmental guest, at the holidays, or the needy neighbor that is always at the door, or the boss who takes advantage of you. Paul’s final list of instructions to the Thessalonians is a list of principles for reinforcing our own behavior. He essentially says, practice these attitudes and you’ll be able to tame any human animals that come your way. He writes "Rejoice always." (v. 16). When we’re in a positive state of mind internally, it’s a lot harder to be negative toward others. "Pray without ceasing." (v. 17) Prayer moves us into deeper relationship with God and with self. When we begin to rely and enjoy a relationship with the Divine, and when we discover the value of being a child of God, we begin to view and treat others as children of God also. Constant communion with God keeps our focus outside of ourselves so that we can begin to engage others, even the wild ones, with the kind of grace and love that Jesus lived and taught. "Give thanks in all circumstances" (v. 18) — An "attitude of gratitude" is contagious. Thankful, positive people see opportunities where others see problems. When dealing with difficult people, think of the opportunity you’ve been given to speak a word of grace in their lives. "Do not quench the Spirit" (v. 19) — The Spirit moves in ways that we aren’t always aware of. God is moving in ways that we can’t even imagine. When we react toward others out of a sense of self-righteousness, or from our own set of rules, we can close off opportunities for spiritual growth. When faced with a difficult person or circumstance, one of the best ways to react is by first saying to ourselves, "What is God going to teach me through this?" "Do not despise the words of prophets" (v. 20). Scripture is our guide-book for dealing with other people. Through rich history and stories, we can utilize the universal, truths that have stood the test of time. Think of God’s Word, spoken through prophets and other writers, as the ultimate training manual for both our human and divine relationships. Scripture helps us to "test the spirits" of the world around us, teaching us to "hold fast to what is good" (v. 21) and "abstain from every form of evil" (v. 22).
Next time you feel your blood pressure rise, take a moment to open to this Thessalonians passage. Think carefully about how you react to others. The primary responsibility we have in the midst of human relationships is to manage ourselves well, and in doing so we are able to nurture and equip others. Follow the model of Christ, and we can walk among human animals with both confidence and compassion! Thanks Be to God. Amen
1From Bob Taylor’s commentary entitled, "The Least –Reinforcing Behavior," Homiletics, December 2008.
Blessings,
Melissa