My name is Ethan and I too have lost loved ones. The most tragic loss was the disappearance and death of my brother Leon during the holidays of 1999.
When my dad first told me he was missing, I denied the truth and projected false hope to my family. I would rationalize where he could be and created an
illusion of self-strength for my mother and sister. At the time of Leon’s disappearance, my family was in the middle of our move back to Ohio from Illinois. My father, my sister and I lived in Ohio while Leon and my mother were still living in Illinois. Leon’s disappearance was even more difficult because I felt that I had neglected him and my mother. I felt like I was too busy with my new life in Ohio. I know now that this thought of neglect is preposterous, but at the time it was a strong emotion adding to the turmoil growing in my heart. I kept thinking, “What if I had taken that last phone call?” or “Why didn’t you tell him that you loved him the last time we talked?” I continued to bury my grief and fears deep inside my heart while I maintained the abysmal denial for my family that he was still alive.
During the months he was missing, my grief and anger consumed me. When people asked what was wrong or what could they do to help, I pretended something else was bothering me. I pretended that I was sick and that it was nothing more than just a cold. I would pretend I was only stressed from school. I never faltered in my false strength until the day my mother told me that they had found him. In fact, when she came to tell me, I was working on my car like there was nothing wrong. That day she had told me not to go to school because she thought she may have some information about Leon soon. Ironically, I was still in denial and I decided it would be a great chance to get some work done on my car.
While everyone else was with my family I was working in the garage, alone, still drawing out my denial. When my uncle, my friend, my father, and my mother came out to the garage, I finally realized the truth. At that point the anger and grief flooded from my heart. In the days and months following I became distant, reckless, and careless. I truly cannot remember much of my Junior and senior years of high school because of the dark cloak of grief that surrounded me.
To this day I still struggle with the grief on a day-to-day basis. I still feel like a lost sheep. I’m still spiritual, but I don’t attend church anymore. I stand at the edge of the pasture but never venture forward into it. At the time of my loss I couldn’t find any help from my congregation so, I chose to stop going to church. Now fortunately, unlike in the past, I can see a future and hope because I still have faith. I have come to understand that at different points in your life you will be humbled by grief and the strife of life, but with the help of others you can recognize your faith and in turn see the future and receive the strength to continue. Therefore, I have become a healthier and happier person.
Recently my mother showed me BUMP, while I was talking to her about Leon and some other stresses in my life. Jokingly I asked her if there were any bums and if I could become a bum (Bereaved United Methodist Siblings ). She laughed and took my idea seriously, so we started BUMS to help the brothers and sisters of loved ones who have been lost. I invite you now to share some experiences and hopefully together we can find our way back to God from the grief.
Ethan
"Keep the Faith, brothers and sisters."