The long awaited "1999 Darwin "Natural
Selection" Awards - Criminal Category"
have been released! These awards are
given each year to bestow upon that
individual, who through incarceration,
has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool. 
RUNNER-UP # 8 Colorado Springs:

A guy walked into a little corner store
with a shotgun and demanded all the cash
from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a
bottle of scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well,
but he refused, saying "I don't believe
you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give
it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his
drivers license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked
it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in
the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier
promptly called the police and gave them
the name and address that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber
two hours later.
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RUNNER-UP # 7 A woman reported her car
stolen, and mentioned that there was car
phone in it. The policeman taking the
report called the phone and told the guy
that answered that he had read the ad in
the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.
They arranged to meet, and the thief was
arrested.
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RUNNER-UP #6 San Francisco: A man,
wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and
wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the
teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he was not
the brightest light in the harbor, told
him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the
man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who
arrested the man a few minutes later as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.
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---- RUNNER-UP #5 From England: A
motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his
car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the
police department a photograph of 40
Pounds. In response, he received a
letter from the police that contained
another picture ... of handcuffs. The
motorist then promptly sent the money
for the fine.
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RUNNER-UP #4 Drug Possession Defendant
Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac,Michigan, said he had been
searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need
a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a
gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who
happened to be wearing the same jacket
that day in court. He handed it over so
the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the
pocket....and laughed so hard he
required a five minute recess to compose
himself.
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RUNNER-UP #3 Oklahoma City: Dennis
Newton was on trial in district court
for the armed robbery of convenience
store when he fired his lawyer. 
Assistant district attorney Larry Jones
said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of
defending himself until the store
manager testified that Newton was the
robber. Newton jumped up, accused the
woman of lying and then said, "I should
of blown your (expletive) head off." The
defendant paused, then quickly added,
"If I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict
Newton and recommended a 30-year 
sentence.
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RUNNER-UP #2 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21,
walked up to two patrol officers who
were showing their squad car computer
felon-location equipment to children in
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how
the system worked, the officer asked him
for identification. Gaitlan gave them
his drivers license, they entered it
into the computer, and moments later
they arrested Gaitlan because
information on the screen showed Gaitlan
was wanted for two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
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RUNNER-UP #1 Another from Detroit: A
pair of Michigan robbers entered a
record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
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THE WINNER A Charlotte, NC, man, having
purchased a case of very rare, very
expensive cigars,insured them against
fire (among other things.) Within a
month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of cigars and without even
having made his first premium payment on
the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his
claim, the man stated the cigars were
lost "in a series of small fires." The
insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason that the man had
consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion. The man sued.... and won. In
delivering the ruling the judge,
agreeing that the claim was frivolous,
stated nevertheless that the man held a
policy from the company in which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable
and also guaranteed that it would insure
against fire, without defining what it
considered to be "unacceptable fire,"
and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly
appeal process the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid the man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in
"the fires." After the man cashed the
check, however, the company had him
arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his
own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against
him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured
property sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.