How to Comfort  those Who Mourn

Being of comfort to those who mourn the death of a loved one is a ministry of compassionate love.
 

ABOUT BEREAVEMENT

The word bereavement comes from the words bereave or bereft.   It means to be in a state of deprivation, to be deprived of something very important to one's life, which leaves one feeling desolated and even violated.

ABOUT GRIEF

Grief is sorrow, woe, affliction, tribulation, sadness, melancholy, trial, suffering.  These words  express the particular distress of mind and soul that is felt when someone dies.

Sorrow comes with the ordinary disappointments, losses and regrets we face. But grief is more acute and troubling than sorrow.  It  is apt to be marked by passionate demonstrations of feeling.  Grief is deep sorrow, caused by an unusual loss. 

ABOUT GRIEVING

Grieving is a process of experiencing deep sadness over a period of time. Grieving is not merely a feeling, it is a journey that requires time to complete. It is marked by periods of  sorrow,  lament, distress, and  mourning that often effect all the other areas of life. 

Grieving is a series of painful experiences into which one enters and lives for a period of time before there is healing. 

Grieving is something that can come and go in spasms, lurking for a time before erupting again and again.

Grieving may produce feelings of fear, anger, great regret, guilt, shame, an abiding sense of uselessness, loneliness, an inability to focus, and even a desire to die. 

Grieving eventually ends because we only have so much capacity to carry sorrow and because we are also able to gather new resources for living.

HOW TO BE OF COMFORT

Don't desert.  After the funeral is over there is a tendency to leave the bereaved alone and forsaken.  "Where did everyone go?" is the question of many bereaved people.  "What happened?  Why is no one around?  Did I do something wrong?  I feel like I must have a dangerous disease."

Don't try to fix the pain.  Bereavement is painful.  There must be pain before there can be healing.  The most difficult thing to learn about comforting is to permit the bereaved to live their own pain.  It is one thing to sorrow with a person but quite another thing to interfere with their pain.

Listen with your heart.  Grieving is a matter of the heart rather than the head.  Listening to the feelings of the bereaved is most important, permitting the sorrow to surface and the pain to be openly expressed.  Invite all feelings to surface and listen through the silences.  Your being there is more important than knowing what to say.

Accept all expressions of grief without censoring.  Often there are aggressive feelings ex-pressed, including anger, resentment, guilt and shame.  Sometimes the bereaved feel cheated by God.  Let them be angry.  God understands grief.

Permit the bereaved opportunity to talk openly about the departed loved one.  This is a vital part of the healing process.  Enforced silence in this regard can be very detrimental and prevent recovering.

Remain available.  When death had been expected the bereavement will generally last approximately six months or more.  Unexpected death takes longer, up to thirteen months and more.  Regardless of how long it takes, we must remain available until the grieving subsides. 

Be sincere.  Do not make a pretense at being interested in the bereaved if you are not.  Pre-tense really can hurt.  Think how you want to be treated and always seek to be kind.

SIGNS OF RECOVERING

Here are signs of recovering from grief: 

1.  The person honestly mourns, laments, 
     weeps, expresses anger, etc. doing whatever 
     is necessary to break the emotional freeze to 
     ventilate all feelings of distress.

2.  The person surrenders to the painful 
     reality  of the separation, unconditionally 
     accepting  the fact that there is no turning 
     back, while  turning one's life over to God 
     who leads the way out of the valley.

3.  The person asks for help and uses it.

4.  The person begins to see that recovery is a 
     process requiring time and trust. . . trust 
     that recovering is possible.

5.  The person chooses to do what is necessary 
     to recover.

6.  The person discovers that willpower does 
      not work for recovery,  only surrender 
     does. This recovery is a growth process 
     beginning and continuing with the exercise 
     of gratitude.

7.  The person is able to express gratitude to 
     God for all gifts and mercies given.

8.  The person decides to reclaim life and to 
     live it.

9.  The person develops a new sense of self 
     satisfaction in things accomplished.

10. The person is able to attend to the 
     necessary details of life and living.

SCRIPTURES

• Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted  –Matthew 5:4

• Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  –2 Corinthians 1:3-5

• God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. –Psalm 46:1

• My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.–Exodus 33:14

• The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.  –Psalm 34:18

• I am persuaded that neither death nor life…shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  –Romans 8: 38,39

• He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away. –Revelation 21:4

• For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,  that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.– Psalm 116:8,9

• For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. –John 3:16