| You Might be a United Methodist if...
.. you don't take Rolaids when
your heart is strangely warmed
... you know that a circuit
rider is not an electrical device
... The Upper Room is as essential
to your bathroom as the toilet paper
... you felt that the NCAA
penalties against SMU football were too harsh
... you've ever owned a pair
of cross and flame boxer shorts
... you sit while singing "Stand
up, stand up for Jesus"
... you've ever sung a gender-inclusive
hymn
... tithing is encouraged but
widely ignored
... half the people sitting
in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
... the word apportionment
sends a chill down your spine
... you realize pluralism isn't
a communicable disease
... your pastor has a hyphenated
last name
... names like Aldersgate,
Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar
... you consider the monthly
potluck a sacrament
... the only church camp song
you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"
... you've ever attended an
Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
... you have an unexplained
yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London
... your church is named for
a geographical location rather than for a saint
... you've never heard a sermon
on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
... you realize that VBS isn't
a sexually transmitted disease
... your pastor moves every
four or five years and you like it that way
... there's at least one person
in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
... your congregation's Christmas
pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
... you accept the fact that
the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as
tongues
... you know that the Wesleyan
Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
... you realize that the Book
of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
... you understand that an
"appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
... you think "UMW" stands
for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
... you know the difference
between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister
... "Good morning" has the
status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
... you say "trespasses" instead
of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
... your annual conference
spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
... you'd rather be branded
with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee
... you've ever sipped Welch's
grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
... you're asked to donate
money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
... you pore over the Conference
Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
... you have to fight through
a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
... when the worship service
lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the
final hymn
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