CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Martin to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet may come forward and do so.
A 'Bean Supper' will be held next Sunday evening in the fellowship hall. Special music will follow.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 P.M.
The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
The United Methodist Women have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the church basement this Friday from 9 am to 4 pm.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Kids say the most religious
things !
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on it in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah, Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The First Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
Moses died before he ever reach Canada.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You
do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
* Jane
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is
that just a trick?
* Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get
in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
* Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe
to look like that or was it an accident?
* Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die
and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have
now?
* Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the
countries?
* Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they
kissed right in church.
Is that okay?
* Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous
God? I thought You had everything.
* Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto
others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to
fix my brother!
* Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother,
but what I prayed for was a puppy.
* Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation
and is my father mad! He said some things about
You that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend
(But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
* Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never
asked for anything before, You can look it up.
* Bruce
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like
Aladin, I will give you anything you want except
my money or my chess set.
* Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You
should give him a tail. Ha ha.
* Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not
kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.
* Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy
when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
* Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of
your greatest inventions.
* Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it.
* Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday,
I'll show You my new shoes.
* Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years
like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light.
But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
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