 |
|
Frances Bischoff, left,
reacting to advice
Isabella Kymer gave to a
letter writer. They live
at the Sussex County
Homestead in Newton |
|
Three
savvy, clear-eyed women sitting
around a table in a Sussex County
nursing home have 232 years of life
experience among them. They've lost
husbands, braved sickness and found
humor in unexpected places.
Now
they get to serve as "Dear Abby" and
meet weekly to share their
hard-earned insights with the lonely
and confused. They belong to a
national volunteer group called
Elder Wisdom Circle, which strives
to give sage advice -- online and
free of charge -- to those who want
help with everything from unruly
rose bushes and wayward children to
boyfriends who won't commit.
"Tell him to get lost!" declares
Isabella Kymer, a 74-year-old
wiseacre who needs oxygen
round-the-clock. She shakes her head
over a letter from a thirtysomething
woman pining for a guy who keeps
finding reasons to put off marriage.
"It's been eight years and they're
not even engaged?"
Fortunately, these ladies'
written replies are far gentler in
tone.
They're also in great demand.
Elder Wisdom Circle now answers
about 100 letters a day through its
Web site, up from 100 a month after
it started five years ago.
Nationwide, 250 men and women in the
Circle have responded to nearly
50,000 questions. New queries flood
in so fast that on a recent day, the
group at the Sussex County Homestead
in Newton pulled 76-year-old
Lorraine Hedden away from a
hairdresser's appointment to pitch
in.
Questions come from men, women
and even teenagers who seek counsel
from an older generation instead of
dismissing their opinions as
obsolete. They ask about dating,
addictions, family strains. A common
query is a version of "I like this
boy in my class, what should I do?"
"A lot of them can't talk to
their parents,'' Isabella says.
"They're afraid to ask them,''
adds Frances Bischoff, 82. "Or
afraid of the answers.''
Untapped wisdom
Elder Wisdom Circle, a non-profit
group, was founded near San
Francisco by Doug Meckelson, a
44-year-old in the financial
services industry who saw seniors as
a vast wealth of untapped know-how
and understanding. "As a society we
don't place the value on our older
citizens that we should," he says.
"They're waiting for someone to ask
for their input and engage them."
To be sure, some of us are
bombarded with unsolicited
suggestions from the silver-haired
around us. But thanks to the wonders
of the Internet, now those who
actually want advice can be matched
instantly with those who want to
give it.
Members of Elder Wisdom Circle
say giving counsel online is a
convenient, gratifying way to
contribute, especially for those who
can't get around much anymore. Many
circles meet at assisted living
centers or retirement communities.
Some members write alone from home.
Elders must be at least 60 and
open-minded, and must undergo a
short background check.
They comb through questions
posted at
elderwisdomcircle.org and pick
what they want to tackle. They can't
dispense advice on legal matters,
investments, taxes, medical care or
psychiatric problems; often they
suggest professional help. Political
agendas are forbidden, too.
The ladies at the Homestead, who
sign their replies "Gold and Wise,"
tend to focus on families and
relationships. Once, says volunteer
coordinator Mary Ellen Quinlan, they
saw a plea from a young mother
struggling to toilet-train her
rambunctious toddler. The ladies
decided to skip it, but then ended
up trading so many war stories about
the issue that Quinlan urged them to
respond.
After all, they boast 11
children, 29 grandchildren and 14
great-grandchildren -- including
triplets -- so they know a trick or
two.
"We may not always have the right
answer, but it's a good feeling that
we may have helped someone,'' says
Frances, as she fingers the bracelet
she wears for bingo. Its colored
beads spell "lucky." She has a
different one for poker.
Varied backgrounds
Elders draw on a broad range of
backgrounds. Frances managed a dress
shop with 27 often-argumentative
employees. Isabella was a nurse's
aide, and Lorraine was a school
cook. Elders elsewhere include
scientists, actresses, lawyers and
therapists.
One retired college professor in
Morris County says the most
troubling letter she has handled
came from a woman married to an
alcoholic and tempted to find love
through adultery.
The elder, named Cindy, urged the
woman to skip the affair, but try
professional counseling and a
support group for alcoholics'
partners. She also encouraged her to
talk to a lawyer in case she ended
up getting divorced.
"I have had much experience in
... guiding people to think
critically about problem-solving,''
says Cindy, who asks that her last
name stay confidential. "I have
lived long enough to face many of
the challenges -- romantic,
financial, practical -- that form
the basis of some queries.''
As the women at Sussex County
Homestead search for consensus on
letters, they also share details
about their pasts and how they
learned to persevere. Frances
married at 18 and soldiered on alone
while her husband, Walter, served in
World War II. He broke his back in
Germany and suffered seizures for
years afterward.
"That was very hard to take,''
Frances says. "But you've got to
stick with him and help him out.''
This is the only circle that
meets in a skilled nursing facility.
Isabella has emphysema. Lorraine has
multiple sclerosis, and needs an
assistant to place the print-outs of
letters on her lap, on top of her
immobile arms. Her words are spare,
carefully chosen and barely audible.
She suggests that one lost and
lonesome soul try church. What might
she find there? "Maybe a nice man,''
Lorraine whispers. "Or peace of
mind."
Sometimes it seems advice seekers
already know what they need and
simply want someone to listen or
give them a nudge. "They want to get
a load off their chest,'' Frances
says, and she's happy to oblige.
Elder Wisdom Circle has grown so
popular that the national group now
publishes a weekly column that has
been picked up by the Los Angeles
Times, Salon.com and other media. It
also aims to launch "Advice TV" -- a
question-and-answer service
delivered via Web-cam video.
For the moment, though, the three
eager-to-please ladies in Sussex
County are content to hammer out
these thorny issues in their quiet
corner, among the rolling hills, red
barns and silos.
"We laugh and joke and kid
around,'' says Isabella. "We have a
good time."
* * *
To apply to become a member of
the Elder Wisdom Circle or to seek
its advice, go to:
elderwisdomcircle.org
* * *
'MAKE IT HAPPEN'
An excerpt of a letter from the
Elder Wisdom Circle in Sussex County
to a single mom living abroad who
worries that she missed the "Mr.
Right that God probably sent me."
She doesn't want to live her life
waiting for someone to come along.
"We are recommending that you
attend church. ... Once you feel
part of something, we think you will
get the confidence you need. ...
Nothing good will happen in your
life unless you make it happen." |
